Natalie Portman. Still Unimpressed.

I’ve blogged about Natalie Portman before, and when I did, I confessed to the world my lack of like for the mediocre actress (please, spare me your criticisms).

Well, it appears as though Ms. Portman does nothing but magazine spreads these days (actually, I don’t know WHAT she’s been up to lately, but I’m seeing an awful lot of her face on glossy finish paper).

This cover is kind of wowza. I mean, for a generally unattractive person, Natalie sure pulled out all the stops here. Her article’s subtitle seems to sum it up quite well. “The Sexy Funny Side of a Hollywood Enigma” I mean, I think we can all guess what the sexy side is. Hello, open-mouth stare. As for the funny side, well, I guess we need to turn a few pages to discover that.

Not funny, but quite stunning. There’s something I’m loving about this high fashion version of Natalie. The styling team did a superb job (way to go, Olivia!). Things are looking great, and then all of a sudden BAM, Man Face appears.

*shiver*

Not only is she sporting Man Face, but that potato sack of a dress isn’t doing a THING for her. The photo is a tragedy any way you look at it. Where’s wardrobe? Where is hair and makeup? Where are her FEET?

Then Natalie seems to be saying something to the readers of ELLE.

“I was cold on the cover, but damn, it got hot in here! Wanna see my underwears?”

No, Natalie, we don’t. And may I be frank? If you’re going to be photographed in next to nothing, why not ACTUALLY make it next to nothing?! This is the lamest sexy photo shoot I’ve ever seen. I applaud your effort to be sexy-modest, but any effort at something like THAT seems futile. Give the people what they want, or give them nothing at all. I’m still waiting for that moment when you steal my heart because you seem to have grabbed the attention of every other man in America. Until then, I’m content with viewing you in random states of dressed up undress in magazines all across the country.

Rihanna In Lurve

Apparently Rihanna has a new lover.

To which I say, “really?” It just seems to me that if I went through what RiRi did, I might deboard the love train for a while. To each his own I suppose. But Ri, if this is what you want to do, let’s avoid being photographed like this:

Yummers, butt squeezes for all.

What the Tweet?! Tila Tequila

Tila Tequila, attention seeker who starred in MTVs A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila where she tried to determine whether she was straight or a lesbian, recently tweeted this:

Yeah, OK, Tila. You’re reality show was 100% selfless. You’re modeling career? Selfless. The profile picture in this very tweet?! SELFLESS!

How could the world have misinterpreted you all these years?

Lindsay Lohan 2010

Lindsay Lohan ushered in the New Year in St. Barts, seemingly hopping from yacht to yacht. Or maybe she was just on one yacht photographed many many times. Anyway, she looked good.

It’s almost a high-fashion version of Lilo, which I like. She looks strikingly excellent (IF you’re willing to overlook the cancer stick she’s holding, her pancake boobs, AND the skin disease crawling up her thigh). But seriously, the bathing suit coupled with the [probably expensive] jewelry is totally working for me. If this is the 2010 version of Lindsay Lohan, I say HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Paris Hilton, The Animal Lover

Paris Hilton has added a new friend to her brood.

A micro-pig named Miss Piglette. Part of me thinks this is cute, and part of me can’t see Paris letting Miss Piglette lick her face. Either way, I hope they’ll both be very happy together.

Katharine McPhee Blech!

Oh boy.

I tried to embed the video, but Walmart’s website doesn’t allow that. Click here to see Kat’s Walmart Soundcheck.

I suppose if I was a struggling artist and my best – nay, only – option was to perform at Walmart, I would. But enough is enough. Katharine is a beautiful (despite that pile of blonde laying atop her head), talented woman, and she deserves her moment in the spotlight. LISTEN TO ME PEOPLE. I LIKE HER. I’m just concerned that her ultra D-list appearances and her inability to climb above the Walmart/Bestbuy circuit is going to cause some far-reaching damage. Just sayin’. And I hope this is one instance in which I WON’T have to say, “Told ya so.”

Mariah and Nick in Italy

Mr. and Mrs. Nick Cannon were spotted in Italy at the 14th Annual Capri Hollywood International Film Festival in Capri, Italy.

MARIAH: Nicky baby, do I look good?

NICK: Mmm, yeah. You look like a shiny little lizard.

MARIAH: A what?

NICK: You’re shiny, and you look all reptilian and stuff. Like a sexy little divalicious lizard.

MARIAH: Oh but honey, I tried to soften up my look with this bunny fur I wrapped around my shoulders. Pet me, baby. Tell me I’m soft.

NICK: Woah. We’re taking pictures. Just pose. Where should I put my hand? Like, back here? Does it look good back here?

MARIAH: You kind of look like you’re pulling out a wedgie.

NICK: Really? I think it kind of looks fly.

MARIAH: It’s ok, cause you’ll always be my baby.

NICK: Let’s go in.

MARIAH: Yay!!! Well done!! Oh Nicky, I’m so glad we came. It’s just wonderful to be surrounded by friends and wealth.

NICK: Shoot, I don’t know ANYBODY here.

MARIAH: Sure you do.

NICK: No, I don’t. You kind of hang out in…elite circles.

MARIAH: Stop. Well then come. I’ll introduce you. I’ll say “And this is Nick. Nick Canon. He is my lover. And he keeps me up to date with the youths.”

NICK: What? No I don’t.

MARIAH: Oh but you do! What was that show you were telling me about the other day?

NICK: The Jersey Shore?

MARIAH: Yes! And what was that word you called me? A guid…

NICK: A guidette?

MARIAH: That’s the one. I’m a guidette! I’m a guidette!

NICK: Baby, come on.

MARIAH: And you’re my guido, Nicky. We’re guidos!

NICK: No, you don’t know what that word—-

MARIAH: Where’s Beyonce? I have GOT to tell her about this.

NICK: And so it begins.

Year in Review

I’m sure you’ve seen many takes on the Year in Review, but here’s one that’s pretty easy to swallow.

Pantless in Paradise

Have you ever feared leaving your house without putting on any pants? Well looks like your fears became Vanessa Hudgens’ reality:

Oops.

At least she remembered underwear.

Go Fug Yourself Responds…

After I sang Go Fug Yourself’s praises in the twittersphere, the Fug Girls responded with this:

If you haven’t read their blog, you must.

www.gofugyourself.com

Happy Holidays!